Courtney's Cauldron

Failure is the chance to do better next time.

I love giving opinions, I’ve got hundreds.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

I had to hit him: he was starting to make sense.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Wanted: Person willing to seal gas leaks with candle. Must be willing to travel.

Mind intentionally left blank…

Did you know, 50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.

Once I saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.

Better an empty head than an empty bed.

If at first you dont succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.

This could be entertaining, meaning embarrassing.

Why do you laugh? Change the name, and the story is told of you.

What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?

Women make silly generalisations.

I’d explain it to you, but your head would blow up.

We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.

Remember the world is a big place. Even if you’re one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.

It’s so late it’s almost early.

You ever look up the word dictionary in a dictionary? A little hand comes out and smacks you one.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Speak softly but drive a Sherman tank.

Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don’t know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.

I’ve developed a new philosophy…only dread one day at a time.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

If social life was a pie, we would be the crumbs.

I have nothing to declare except my genuis.

You like Chinese food

Computer games don’t affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.